It's NOT All About You....

We are learning so much every day. We are trying to read the cues in a completely different culture, with different languages, stages of development, social problems, and all the nuances of communication that are just a little different. 

I have noticed in myself the tendency, when I do not know how to read someone’s silence, or frowning, or distance, to assume that I did something, or said something inappropriate and worry about what it might be. I am sure you can all relate to this very human tendency.

Over and over again, I have had to remind myself that there are differences, but that we are essentially all the same. When I remember that, and go back to the principles by which I live my life, then, instead of the knee jerk instinctual reactions of either withdrawing or getting irritable, I pay attention to myself. What is being triggered? Why? To what does this go back? What might be going on with the other person that I do not know about? Why not ask and show an interest in them and find out by communicating! Radical idea!! The process is so simple and so hard to remember when we are emotionally hi-jacked!

Yesterday morning, I had noticed a young woman barely greeting me, absorbed in her cell phone. This was not the normal smiling welcome that we had received over the last week. Panic! “Did I say something to offend her?” “Did I do something inadvertently?” “Have they decided the work we are doing is worthless for some reason?” And so the worry started building….

Once I could get over myself by doing my inner work, I approached her and asked her how she was feeling because I could see she looked “tired.” This is a safe feeling word here. Instantly she started opening up about what had happened for her over the weekend. The tears flowed, the story rushed out resulting in an hour of processing her pain and struggle.

On the other side of the coin, I have had the experience here in Knysna of being with people who I would have expected to show an interest, not show the slightest interest in who I am or why I am here, or what I am doing. Again, I want to take this personally, until I remember that I myself nearly missed the opportunity to show interest in someone else's life because of my inner assumptions that there might be something wrong with me. I can be gracious about other people’s self absorption - they are surely as caught up in their own self doubt, inner pain and insecurities as I was the other morning until I remembered to do my practice. 

Grace happens with self awareness, through introspection and bringing compassion to our own fears. Only then can we extend ourselves to others. If we do not know what is going on, we can ask, instead of assuming through the distorted lens of our own past.

Change from the inside out

So often the stories of the women in Khayalethu have been completely unheard. We have been told over and over in our sessions, that not one word has ever been spoken of the trauma they have suffered. They have held the secrets within themselves for their entire life, suffering completely alone with the truth of what they have experienced. The freedom and relief they are experiencing in being able to tell the story embraced in love has been transformative. Sometimes a woman will look years younger just through the process of one session. Lyndall and I have seen nothing like it. Below is a dramatic example of this. 

The first is a picture of Ouma (grandma in Afrikaans) prior to our first session. The second picture is from the following day when she came to attend one of our groups. Ouma speaks very little English. Lyndall had not spoken Afrikaans fluently in over 30 years. She had to quickly dust off her rusty memory of the language and translate my words to Ouma, Ouma’s words to me, AND be the therapist.....she was amazing. During that session, Ouma told her story of suffering that she had held inside of her for over 50 years. She had never once spoken those words. 

The next day, Ouma arrived for a group chat. She told about her night. She had awoken with tears of joy streaming down her face and was telling herself that God had sent two women from very far away to heal the the pain of the women here. She then said that a childhood hymn that she had not thought about in many years came to her lips and she started singing. She sang it for our group. I keep saying this......but I felt I had never been so touched as she sang this beautiful Afrikaans hymn in her sweet, very shy voice that was demanding to be heard ......I did not understand one word of the hymn she was singing, but understood the its beautiful meaning entirely.

Not one thing is easy!!

Some of the challenges we are facing are the anticipated ones like the difficulty with language. I am struggling to do therapy and translate English to Afrikaans and then Afrikaans to English, especially when the Afrikaans is spoken rapidly through tears, sniffing and blowing noses. I have not spoken Afrikaans for 30 years and the Cape dialect and colloquialisms is also harder for my ears to hear. However, it is coming back quickly and more fluently after a week. Most of the women we are seeing are Cape Coloreds who speak Afrikaans. One older woman had no English at all.

The second thing that is difficult for us is “Africa time,” which is very fluid and flexible
depending on what crisis or demand is arriving in the complex, chaotic lives of trying to survive at levels of which we westerners know nothing. We are finding ourselves being an informal taxi service up and down the hill. People have no transport, unreliable old cell phones, no internet – communication is informal through word of mouth.They have little information or education about things we take for granted, for instance they do not know to identify the trauma of their lives as abuse. They call it having “a good, strict Christian upbringing," so that they learned to “fear the Lord” and live “good” lives. Then they go on to describe beatings, rape, violence,punishment of being locked up, slapped until they lost their hearing and it goes on and on. They are proud that they have learned to be “strong and good and serve the Lord,” as a result. There is no recognition that they have learned to be obedient to abusive authority and that this has nothing to do with “The Lord.” They have learned to serve the “Lord of Hatred.” I've never stuck up for God so much in my life!

Speaking into the religious stage of development of elevating the victim status and minimizing the perpetration, is surprisingly easy. It is not that different to what I experience in Minnesota all the time in a more nuanced and sophisticated way. We talk a lot about it not being God who has brought suffering and this terrible life to them, only people. One woman told us she has not had a happy day since the day she was born. I actually believed her fully after her first session.

Suspicion – people do not know what “therapy” is and although they are curious, they are
inviting their friends to try it rather than themselves. The tear stained faces of their friends that are brave enough to do this, is enough to make them sure they do not want to do this, no matter how their friends tell them they feel “much better.” They tell us they want to forget about the past and be happy, that it is better not to remember because there is nothing you can do about what has happened. Luckily, those that have done therapy are explaining to the others why it helps and how it helps. We have our first group at noontoday and clearly a lot of psycho-education is required to supplement what we are doing in terms of therapy.

Fear is pervasive and invasive and blankets their lives. They are terrified of anyone knowing they have “problems,” terrified people will speak about their problems to others, shame them, shun them, talk about them, break confidences, gossip. Not different again to Minnesota, but deeper and stronger. We are going to be doing group every day next week at noon, so that people can come and get to know us without having to speak, but just get information and food.

They are used to getting handouts of “stuff,” that makes their lives easier, fosters dependency and dis-empowers them. The missionaries arriving with “aid,”at the moment are at the same time secretly disrespected and also on the outside gratefully used for what they give. They get obsequiues compliance, but they do not help empower the people at all. The idea of self- empowerment is tantalizing, but so much harder for them because it requires a shift to self responsibility from dependency. We have to resist the temptation to “provide,” stuff as an incentive to “do therapy,” This creates a co-dependency that does not help them understand the focus and locus of attention needs to be internal, not external. At the same time there is such genuine need and we are so grateful that when we leave we can give each person that has attended therapy a really nice graduation gift from what so many of you gave.
 

We are in the backroom of a foster care home and we have 14 little orphans running around outside all day long. They are adorable - Charisse will send pictures of them. It breaks your heart to see the lack of any kind of stimulation in terms of crayons, paper, or any kind of toy. We watched some little boys hammer sticks into the ground with rocks to make a goal post and then take turns hitting a plastic ball with old bits of plank as bats.  
 

The place is surrounded by garbage and filth, cow pies, stench of rotting old cow heads, etc. but today, one of our clients told us she can understand now that the outside is because of the inside - because she felt like she had "unpacked her suitcase," she felt so much lighter that she cleaned her house and did not yell at her son and had a wonderful trip to town with him to buy new school clothes without feeling worried and angry about spending money.  Another man told us, he is sleeping for the first time in years. They are very vocal about the changes they are experiencing - so every single thing is worth it.  We are feeling so full and so honored, grateful and awe struck, every night when we wearily take ourselves home to our luxury town house! 

 

How are your donations being used?

How are your donations being used?

We are so immensely grateful to you for your support and belief in our work and service. You have contributed in so many ways, financially, with supplies and with your prayers and faith in the work we are doing.

It became abundantly clear today how much basic need there is. 150 homes in the township burnt to the ground and 89 resorts and homes in the rest of Knysna were completely destroyed. While there was a lot of damage to the homes of wealthy white people, 40% had no home owners insurance and so many are left essentially bankrupt. While resorts are being rebuilt, the jobs they provided have been lost to the black people and so many are left completely destitute with nothing on whichto fall back. The interconnectedness and interdependence of the community has never been more apparent. The man who opens our gate at Pezula got no municipal help because only his roof, doors and windows were blown away by the fire winds. This meant the pigs got into his home and destroyed everything foraging for any food they could find. Payday is still a week away for him and so my sister went and bought him food today. There are a hundred stories like this and we have heard them all day long. People providing hay for the bushbuck, water for wild animals, fruit for the birds. The charred black remains of trees have been spiked with oranges for the birds. Burnt tortoises and reptiles, deer with burnt hoofsand small mammals are filling the rescue centers for animals. Even the baboons have been given some grace with their incessant theft and breaking into homes!  8 people died, two of them firemen.

The immediate outpouring of help during a disaster is a beautiful thing - it is as if, for a moment communal suffering awakens the heart. The usual defenses fall away and suddenly there is a rush of charity and good-will, a shared suffering to which everyone can immediately relate and respond. Differences and hostilities melt away. It gives us a brief glimpse into what a loving, interconnected community could be like. However, it is always very short-lived and in just a few weeks this will be forgotten as people get on with their lives. Their hearts will close over again, the old defenses will reassert themselves and Knysna will be back to business as usual, absorbed in self interest.

This is why the work of breaking down defenses, healing old traumas, and reconnecting people to their souls and their hearts is so essential - so that we can live in harmony and love, with nothing but a willingness to give and serve, and that this be a permanent state, not just a brief opening to the light.

Your investment is in the long term vision of this possibility. There is no immediate visible, and tangible result, no expressions of gratitude for being encouraged to enter into the hidden hell of your life and do the hard inner work. It is truly an act of faith on your part, to trust that the work we will be doing will result in deep inner change that will lead to communities where there is open-hearted giving, listening and presence, not just short term emergency charity.

This all reminds me of an old parable I once heard about a vision of hell in which people were sitting at round tables. In the middle of the table was a large pot of delicious stew. Each person had a long spoon to reach the pot, but the spoon was so long that they could not fill it and get it back to their mouths - so they were doomed, with the tantalizing aroma of food, to be eternally hungry.

Heaven surprisingly enough showed exactly the same scene - the same tables, the same stew, the same spoons, but here everyone was laughing and joyous. What do you suppose the difference was between heaven and hell?

Thank you all for your ongoing generosity and open-hearted giving and for wanting to contribute to creating heaven on earth, by changing lives from the inside out. To be able to offer this work for free to those with nothing, is truly a blessing of sustenance and nurture, growth and freedom - in their lives and in their community.

What you do for the least, you do for me….

 

Always Look Deeper

The requirement is to always look deeper.

I want you to know that I can feel the support of all of you back home. It means more than you can ever know. I wish there was some way to really tell you what this experience is like. I wish there was some way that I could convey in words the complexity of this place. But I know it is impossible to do it well.

Everywhere you look in Khayalethu the signs of poverty overwhelm. The poverty is like nothing you will ever see in America. We have poverty, but we do not have poverty like this. The shacks.....”called informal structures”, are made from anything they can find.....wood, plywood, tar paper, corrugated metal. There are some government built homes. To get one of these is like hitting the lottery. They are wood homes with a few windows. They are not much bigger than our average bedroom. Maybe 10x15. This is their castle. And it is rare. Every street is littered with mounds of garbage. Used dirty diapers, garbage bags ripped open by the starving dogs, discarded food containers, household items that are no longer usable.....it is endless. There is no infrastructure here. What does an entire community do with garbage when there is no plan for what to do with the garbage? It is so tempting to look away. Isn’t it always so tempting to look away? But that is not the requirement....the requirement is to look deeper.

So I looked deeper, and saw the people. The streets are filled with people. Every face I looked at appeared to be embedded with sorrow. There is a wisdom and a knowing, and a heaviness that can only come from deep, deep suffering and in Khayalethu it is everywhere. The children are running and smiling, being playful. But behind this normalcy it is impossible not to notice the sorrow. The weight of this life is apparent in every single person. It seems to fill the air.

As we watched the activity on the streets. Lyndall pointed out two women sitting in lawn chairs......surrounded by dreary buildings and garbage, they were sitting outside enjoying the beautiful day. Lyndall and I commented on the colorful, vibrant umbrellas shading them from the sun. The splash of color seemed to signal the need to look even deeper....past the suffering, past the embedded sorrow....to the splash of hope. The faces are complex......every face here has embedded in it the imprint of sorrow. For me it is the eyes. The eyes tell the story. But there is also a resilience and a strength. And also a splash of hope.

This was our first day of work in Khayalethu. Lyndall and I were quiet, reserved before going to the township. That is unusual for us. Our conversation is often serious, but always littered with humor, and often filled with laughter that draws attention. But not today. We were quiet, contemplative....as if we were preparing. Not nervous, but filled with the gravity, the deep responsibility of what we were faced with.

We had two women scheduled to see us today. Our first two sessions. We were unsure of how to present our work....how to explain what we do in a way that was meaningful and filled with the deep faith that is the very essence of their survival.

The first woman....arrived dressed as Lyndall said.....as if she was about to have “tea with the queen”. Her hair was perfectly set, she wore all red.....a red jacket, red skirt and matching red shoes. I was deeply, deeply touched by her regal walk as she came to greet us. She hugged both of us and told us that she was open......she wanted a deeper connection, to God, to herself. Our experience will be a part of me for the rest of my life.

The second woman.....only found out about our work on this day. When we offered her the work, she looked a little shocked, and very hesitant. Two hours later, she knocked on our door, entered, and said.....”I would like to be your next one”. She sat and shared her story with such openness. Her sorrow and heaviness seemed to fill every cell of her body as she talked. As she cried.

Working with both of these women I felt such a deep sense of responsibility and honor. Both women opened themselves to sharing the sorrow they have experienced. We experienced the sorrow together. Lyndall and I explained that we knew they had suffered entirely alone their whole life but that today we were going to experience it together. All of us....Lyndall, myself, and and each of them......we were going to experience it together. It was the first time they were able to tell their story, the true story, unencumbered by the defenses they have built around it for survival. They opened themselves to it with such grace. With such love.

At one point during the second session, I looked at my hand. This beautiful woman was holding my hand so tightly, as she cried, as we all cried. As we all experienced her unbearable suffering, together, it felt more bearable. It made sense to her. She was able to identify the shame she had carried her whole life since the age of eight. For the first time, she was able to see that this shame did not belong to her. It belonged to her perpetrator. I was struck by the contrast of my white skin with her very dark skin, and how she was holding my white hand to her face. and I was aware that in this complete connection we knew each other. I was aware of how often we see the contrast of our skin and see only difference. How we define ourselves and our differences on the very surface of our being. But in this experience, I looked at our hands filled with connection and love. I could hear the sobs from Lyndall and I knew that together we had all looked deeper. We had all followed the requirement to look deeper. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

THE REQUIREMENT IS TO ALWAYS LOOK DEEPER.

The Wave

THE WAVE……..Last night I woke to a powerful image. I was thinking about a variety of sporting events I have attended in which the entire group of spectators joins in support of their team and erupts into a loud and joyous WAVE. It is always exciting for me to wait until the WAVE gets to my part of the stands so that I too can stand up, throw my arms up in the air, yell, and joyously celebrate the love we all have for this team. If they are winning…..we celebrate and feel that elation together. If we are losing…..we are willing to suffer the loss together…. the wave of support lets everyone in the arena know that we stand together in our suffering of that loss. We keep the WAVE going to try and rally the team, letting them know they can draw on our strength to keep fighting. We only know a few of the people sitting directly by us……the rest….are strangers. But the bond we feel is unmistakable……our shared experience of loving this team is all we need to join in. Isn’t that beautiful? 

As I thought about this I thought what a glorious formula that could be for life……..all of us banding together to show our love and desire to celebrate or suffer with humanity, with ourselves……not focusing on our differences, or our shortcomings…..but instead seeing that we are a people that share the experience of elation... sometimes, and suffering...other times. That we understand, I mean really KNOW so much about each “stranger" we walk past.….the experience of hope, loss, self-judgement, insecurities, need for love, desires…..on and on and on. If we KNOW this in ourselves, then we also KNOW it in that person. I love the idea that we could use this knowing to join in one glorious and unending WAVE……an unending WAVE where we all stand up, throw our arms in the air, yell, and willingly open ourselves to suffering with, and celebrating the love we have for this team.

Charisse Lyons

Heart Hurts

Thank you for this beautiful poem that was submitted following one of our "Tonglen Consultation Groups for Practioners". It beautifully points out the temptation we all face to give in to our defenses rather than authentically feeling our own pain. It hurts.....yes! Just feel the pain....absolutely! 

 

Heart hurts

Breathe into the hurt

Feel the pain

It hurts

It hurts

 

I want to figure it out 

I get lost in thought

     Oh ya...that's what it is

     Oh ya...great insight, remember that

     Oh ya...

 

My head bobs

I'm falling asleep

The bob wakes me up

 

Feel the pain in your heart

Just feel the pain

Don't go to fix or story

Notice

Be with it

Feel it

Let it be

 

Hmmm...a rush of warmth

It's hot

 

Ding...

Body and Emotional Memory

“When I resist in any way, I am really stepping out of spaciousness. When I rest in whatever is arising, without resistance, whether it is an opaque emotion or not, then I am not outside of that spaciousness.” ~Aneeta Makena

 

            It’s taken Tom and I months to tame the little black and white feral cat in our backyard. She started showing upon our back step in the middle of winter. We would open the door and give her some food and she would rush up to the bowl, hiss at us, grab a piece of meat and rush off snarling. Gradually she got a little less reactive and slowly started trusting us, until she could actually eat her bowl of food on the back step without running off after each grabbed morsel. And then came the day that she tolerated being touched. After that she rapidly become the sweetest, most affectionate little cat rubbing up against us, purring and sitting on our laps demanding lots of affection. She even reluctantly put up with us us cutting out the matted knots of fur behind her ears. No more than a teenager, it was soon apparent that some bad boy had knocked her up! We could tell when she had the kittens but did not know where they were until a couple of weeks ago, when she carried them up the patio stairs from the woodpile and presented them to us on the back step – 4adorable little fluff balls, two black and two black and white. At first she wouldn’t let us touch them but within a couple of days mama cat and the four kittens were toddling into the kitchen for their expensive kitten food and not really wanting to leave!

            They have all been hanging out on the back patio, and have been as tame and trusting as any housecat until two days ago when we came home and found her in a terrible state of agitation with the kittens nowhere in sight. Fearful that a redtail hawk or a fox had gotten them, we were feeling sick to our stomachs. Mommy cat was restless, meowing, coming up to us and then rushing off again. We sat out of the patio with her and she gradually settled down and finally called the kittens out of hiding. We were so relieved.

            It is fascinating to me, that I did not doubt for one second that something had threatened her life and that she was in a state of hyper-arousal. She couldn’t tell me the facts, explain the event, tell me what had attacked her. She didn’t have to, I believed her body and her actions. Her body was showing me the memory of what had happened. Whether this was a hawk, a fox, or a dog, is irrelevant to the experience she had. That she had a terrifying experience was self evident.

            And yet, when our own bodies react this way with emotion and reactivity we tell ourselves that it is ridiculous, wrong, uncalled for, neurotic, babyish, that we are being sissies, that there is no reason for the feelings. And if we cannot produce some kind of intellectual understanding, come up with data and facts as memory, details and dates of the event that happened, we dismiss that anything happened at all. We fail to recognize that our emotions and our bodily reactions are themselves memories of an event that frightened and hurt us. I am quite sure that my little cat would go into hyper-arousal again if she got any hint of the threat that happened a few days ago – a loud noise, a shadow overhead, me coming up on her unexpectedly… anything could activate the memory of what happened in her emotional body. She has no intellectual memory of this, but she remembers in every cell of her body.

            Emotions are memories. All of what has happened to us through the course of our lives is faithfully recorded in the body, waiting for us to recognize, accept and bring our loving attention to the suffering. 

            Just as one would immediately recognize the terror of a little animal and approach it with concern, curiosity, calmly, gently and kindly, so too should we approach our own animal, emotional body that holds the past memory of trauma, insult, hurt and threat, in the same way.

            We have learnt to ignore emotional and body memory and believe only factual, intellectual, image, memory – and yet at the time of trauma, the brain is very often turned off, in a state of shock and denial, dissociation and distancing. Our eyes often close during trauma. I just have to think of being on a roller coaster – I do not see anything, my eyes are shut tight and I am clinging on for dear life. The memory of the ride is recorded, however in my body – dizzy, nauseous and terrified! And one little drop on an airplane ride is all that is required to awaken the full body memory, even though I am not afraid of flying. The brain is not our most reliable source of memory. Our body and emotions are.

 

            Another way we dismiss our emotions is that we do not recognize threat – it has been normalized and excused, rationalized, minimized and denied by the perpetrators of abuse.

            When a child cries because it shamed a parent often get’s angry and states, “I will give you something to cry about – you have nothing to cry about.” Or you hurt yourself, and when you cry you are told, it is not that bad…Nothing happened – we just made it up!

            No wonder we think our feelings are not valid indicators of what is actually occurring, or has occurred – and this is just one mild, albeit pervasive, example of how what happened is denied. So when feelings resurface through some present trigger, we immediately doubt them, deny them, do not notice them or do any of the things we were taught to do – not believe this is memory and not believe that something actually DID happen.

            Recovery work requires us to start learning to pay very close attention to even the subtlest feelings and body sensations. Sometimes they are about the present, but mostly they are about the past. The present can activate the memory, remind us of the past and open a doorway into healing the suffering of our past, when our nervous system, our understanding and perspective of the world was very limited in coping with the difficulties of life and relationships. To dismiss our feelings, or blame them on the current situation is to miss the opportunity for deep self-reflection and processing of the past, which can bring awareness and a new sense of peace and freedom.

 

“The moment you learn to welcome even suffering, a very rapid transformation happens. It can sometimes be instant; when you totally welcome the pain, it turns around. One could do it with fear: fear arising, fear without the story, and all of a sudden what once was fear is intense aliveness.”

                                                                                                                                               ~Eckhart Tolle

 

 

© Lyndall Johnson

 

What is Compassion?

Com-passion. 

Com – together with

Passion – to suffer

Compassion is the choice to suffer together with self and other. It is not to feel sorry for, it is not pity or sympathy, it is not even empathy, which is more about imagining (a head exercise about how you are feeling or another might be feeling). Compassion means to fully feel with yourself or another instead of defending against feelings, and creating barriers between you and your fullest experience of life.

So why is it that everyone is not completely aware of their feelings nor allowing themselves the full range of human emotion in every experience of life? 

We were all taught to repress, deny, minimize, dissociate, block, rationalize, intellectualize our feelings at a very young age in one way or another. Each instance is quite unique and yet the same principle of being cut off from feelings and living in the head occurs for all of us. By the time we are adults we are semi conscious, walking ghouls, the living dead – we do not even know what our emotional needs and feelings are – and yet they exert an influence on all that we say and do, leading to defensive and superficial lives lacking in intimacy, meaning, connection, fulfillment or love. 

Love means knowing ourselves fully. It means embracing every experience of our lives with full awareness. It means feeling deeply and immediately– whether this is sorrow, fear, shame, anger or joy. The awareness and lived experience of joy can only occur when one also has full awareness and lived the experience of all the pain and suffering that was buried deep in our souls, and left behind in childhood. Until we can love ourselves – that is, be fully aware of all aspects of self including our suffering, we will not know or love anyone else either. 

Allowing ourselves to bring our awareness to the feelings is problematic. It is hard to break through the defenses, blocks and barriers that keep emotion stuck in the body and separated from awareness by the head. It is hard to integrate head and heart. As children there was no sense of self to be able to observe what the experience was – we just were the experience. If it was unpleasant we found a way to protect ourselves from an awareness of it.  As adults we have a sense of self – and identity and it is this self that has to learn to observe, investigate and accept the suffering that was denied and repressed in one way or another in childhood. It takes practice. And how do we practice?  

We practice first of all noticing and recognizing the behaviors that are designed to keep feelings locked down, hidden and denied from our awareness. This is largely our thinking and behavior – everything from platitudes and affirmations, to judgment and criticism, from addictions, compulsions and obsessions and perfectionistic tendencies to apathy and fatigue, our acting out and acting in. Our fight and flight tactics– all designed to keep the emotions at bay. These blocks and barriers are literally encoded into the body itself and each has it’s own texture, density and complexity experienced as constriction, physical pain, tension, illness, etc. We have been taught to ignore even the pain the blocks create in our body – and yet they manifest all the time.

Then we try to identify the feelings these behaviors mask, and to relax into them and actually feel them. Naming them is not feeling them! If we can start identifying and feeling the suffering behind our defenses, then we will start being aware of the suffering behind the behaviors of others and compassion will naturally arise. Full awareness is compassionate.

We can start to practice truly listening to ourselves and others – deeply – not buying the surface words and actions, but wondering what motives them? ---- always, always unmet needs and feelings. It is about being fully present and noticing how your attention wanders, how you distract away from the conversation, become self referential or any other number of tactics to not be fully present to the whole person – you or the other. It is about noticing what triggers defensiveness – even when someone is trying to guide or help you - and searching for why this is arising. It is to practice curbing the tongue – no longer lashing out, blaming, aggressing, gossiping, but considering what is being triggered that is really about your own suffering.

It is important to recognize that “letting go,” does not mean letting go of feelings. It means letting go of the barriers and subtle ploys, all the wanting and not wanting –i.e. the function of defensive behavior.  It means relaxing your grip and attachment to your habitual ways of blocking emotion and staying unaware. It means letting go of preference, resistance and clinging. It means allowing yourself to experience life nakedly, vulnerably and authentically without holding back or grabbing on to anything to protect your feelings. Start noticing how you want to resist when something challenging or painful arises. Notice how you want to grab a hold of, cling and possess when something pleasurable and enjoyable happens. 

If you do this you will actually feel – you will suffer the feelings - until you do not anymore. They do not last forever when you accept and bring your loving heart to them instead of habitual judgments.You will also, then, feel the bliss of being in your body. You will feel joy which is so different from the feelings of pleasure gained from the petty distractions of addictions to power, wealth, status and substances. Suffering that is defended against will continue to wreak havoc on your life. Suffering that is suffered is short lived and brings freedom.

Compassion is just a natural and spontaneous expression and emergence, with no thought of “how to be compassionate.” It is has no self reference – there is no one actually there to be compassionate. There is no thought or conceptualizing or theorizing about what you or another needs or what the effect of action might be on the self or other. There is no worry or concern about the outcome. There is no thought of doing, or fixing, or advising, or rescuing or changing, or controlling. 

It is simply what arises, appropriate to whatever the situation or condition is. This might or might not concur with the well considered rules and norms of the culture or what other people think is the “good” or “right,” thing to do. There is no wish for anything as a result of the action, or non action. It means being so transparent that the light shines through – all the way through - to your darkest suffering and all the way through to the suffering of others. It means living life fully aware, fully present, fully engaged, and completely whole.

Compassion has many faces – tender, gentle, warm, kind, soft, passionately loving, protective. It might be deep sorrow. It might be sweet intimacy. It might be a fierce “no,” and wield the sword of truth, conviction and integrity. It might be deep sorrow. 

The consort of compassion is wisdom. There is no compassion without wisdom and there is no wisdom without compassion – the two are integral to one another. We must understand and know the psyche deeply in order to love fully. We must love fully in order to see with gnosis. The two are inseparable.  

And this is why any spiritual practice must include study of some kind, deep shadow work (learning to be present to your own suffering), and body work. A two legged stool cannot be used – it is unstable. Our practice must be at least be three legged.  Consider what your three pronged practice will be this year.

© Lyndall Johnson